here's to hoping that may is sweet and perfect.
the atmosphere feels a bit denser, sweat forming between my breast and chest in a way that the bay area climate can not imitate. for once, the humidity here feels non-threatening. I'm not suffocating under its weight. april is not a bad time to be in florida. 20-minutes, the minimum amount of time to move anywhere significant. my days pass quickly as i drive from point A to point B. squinting through my sunglasses, i can barely see the road ahead of me. closer to the equator, the sun is so much more potent. bespoke ambient tunes in the rental car, softening the blow of the tropical climate.
i always thought it was funny. I had so many o's in my life. I am from orlando, orange country and i live in oakland on orange street. It must be destiny. i must be powerful, no? i'll referer to the tarot for any meaningful answers. a guide, a thread to my intuition. used religiously five years ago, i now pull cards as some sort of half-irony hoping to feel connected like i once did.
she's desperately old, desperately gray. I wrap my hands around her wrists and look at the veins popping out of her hands. her nails have dirt under them. her skin is dry and there are flakes on her skin. i take out her nail file and slowly remove the dirt out. hunt in her tiny studio for any sort of lotion. these little details get lost when you've been in a body this long. i massage moisturizer into her hands, her elbows. i watch as each dry flake disappears back into her skin.
each time i see her she diminishes a bit further in her chair. and how is it that her white hair gets whiter every time i see her? 26 days till 96. it's likely she'll make it and then pass over. i know she doesn't want to make it that far. she's been wishing to die for a long time now. folks working in the building are immensely kind. repeating sentences. giving her a hug when she asks for it. she's grateful to not be in any pain. and all i can think of is my self-diagnosed deadline of 80. and what a fucking good idea it is.
reading:i haven't finished any books this month but here are books i've had my eye on.
bloodfire, baby: a novel
troublemaker: the fierce, unruly life of jessica mitford by carla caplansorry
i keep crying during sex by jesse james rosenova scotia house by charlie porter
music:
nts ep. ikr imprint
nts ep. yawning portal
KGB - adela such a pop star, love to shake my ass to this
1983 - flying lotus a rerelease of his first debut album
willoughby tucker, i'll always love you - ethel cain so sad and sweet. ethel is a fl girl and it makes me love her more