writing:
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there is something about queer love
dawn has set, clouds have risen above. soft taps of rain outside your window. were at a place we said we wouldn't be again. but the warmth in-between your thighs is hard to resist. your smell, your taste. i've been day dreaming up a storm inside my brain. at work my eyes go in a haze as soon as i think about and this is often, too often. i remember your lips against mine, the taste of you, the sound of you, so sweet. i am pretty sure i am talking in circles, a roundabout similar to how you circle inside of my mind. I aim to go off track, but the attempt it futile. replaying. rewinding all of the sweet and sweaty moments. open lips, tongues playing. i hear you whisper about things you remember. heard you walking on streetlights near by. body against mine. i hold on tightly to the vision of you inside of my mind.
one step after another, i heard routine is good for the brain, bilateral movement to wind down the nervous system, one step after another, some days this works, others it's enabling. my brain cells are working overtime, neurons firing in all different directions. its automatic now. everyday the routine must be implemented or my world will imminently fall apart.
one step in front of the other. i walk to ease the pain. i walk to remember. i walk to forget. the usual path is around a recreational pond. it's large enough with trees that have seen generations of families walk around it. they've seen destruction and construction as the path reforms over the years. this path has seen the evolution of myself in the past three years. i have cried so many tears and walked with so many friends, processed so many emotions. the comfort it brings, the disillusions it brings will not be beat.
i'll miss it when i'm gone. no matter the routine, i once again find myself daydreaming about you again. the newness of you, the hate towards you, the feeling all intercede. oops, i am down to six lives. looks like i dreamt away the others.
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antidote:
its apart of me like im apart of it. creeping into my bloodstream, my eyelids and into my bones. i'm sinking into sheets like i was never meant to leave. do you see what's apart of me? do you see the whole? i see fragments, disconnected, unable to communicate. i find them scattered around my room. under a layer of dust and in dark corners.
tiny pills have have become a part of my routine in a way I did not mean for them to. the smallest one i've ever seen, softly pink. slowing my heart rate down to beats per hour. 1, 2, 3, 4 my pharmaceuticals keep going up like an elevator. like a game im playing. can you collect them all?
but at least my hand no longer shake
but at least i'm not nauseous throughout the day
but at least i
when do you think too much is enough? when i cant cum because i'm so numb?
music:girls: princess nokia's new albumnew effie songjuicy by chouchu claire ft shygirl bawdy by shygirlglitch bitch by loraine jamesnew chanel beads album
that's all for now. see you next month
xxisabella