processing, ruminating, moving into the space of nothingness. It was confusing to separate the feelings of the loss between the emptiness inside me.
because often i feel empty inside. a nothingness thats seems to permeate every cell inside me. sinks into every thought. soft little whispers that tells you this world is better not live in. a blankness i can't see pass through. a limitless feeling that suffocates you.
it doesn't happen suddenly. it's not like a switch turning on. it's slower than that. more sinister than that. it's this creepy crawler that grabs you by the toe and then all of a sudden it's swallowed you whole. unyielding and vicious. i'm stumbling and can't see a thing. stuck in the abyss stuck in time stuck in my sheets.
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i becomes dry and aching and grotesque with the emptiness inside me. gasping for air, gasping for hope, gasping and grasping the twisted maze that's become of me.
i can feel the boderline of my emotions at the brink. boderline of my roof. boderline of my tooth. No, not them crawling out of my body. them fighting to get in. but i resist i resist i resist. emptiness feels good, but the pain does too.
dissociation is a default state. it's easier this way. its harder this way.
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undereyes constant. i'm convinced everyone can see the level of pain if they look closely enough at the grooves. dark, deep channels that feel like an ocean. a weight upon my face, letting me know i in fact do exist. there is a story to be told in them but they are also nothing at all
sleep; my mortal enemy as of late. funny thing about sleep deprivation. a rare few really understand it. i meet more of them as i grow older. my clan. my army of sorts. people i can level with. people that really understand it.
emotional regulation doesn't quite tick as it should. everything feels slightly off kilter. hard to dig my feet into the earth. feel myself planted. understand the wave of feelings i am experiencing. but they all leave eventually. every state has to end. nothing is constant.
once i ebb out of my lovely sleep deprived state i realize, how similar it feels to depression. a humorous irony of how bad a i truly feel. when you're at the bottom you have to find humor in it all. once i am well rested i can reach further into my little cave of nothingness. further into the depression that seems to never leave me. i try to navigate, find clues on how to fucking crawl myself out. but i am barley move an inch, not even a centimeter. progress is slow and more often than not i regress. that's fine. i'll smoke another cigarette to ease the despair. quite a charming pair nicotine and depression are.
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when you left. when you said goodbye. i got it, i understood it. it's really okay. i am sure what i felt after the breakup was an ounce of how she made you feel. an instantly invalidating thought, but true. my stomach churns even thinking it.
my favorite was crying in the shower. bawling my eyes out with water streaming down my face. two sources of water blending together, a bit poetic if you think about it. thankfully, as soon as you broke it off, my hot water got fixed. i could cry and cry and cry in the shower - with a glass of wine of course, or the whole bottle, who's counting - and the fucking hot water never turned off. i considered it a miracle.
a few days ago i heard one of my neighbors softly singing in the shower. the apartment complex i live in is weird. there is this odd empty little space in the middle of four surrounding units that have bathroom windows. you can't see anyone else but you can often smell weed or maybe a garlicky pasta dish that a tenant is cooking. it was then that i realized, with no doubt, that my neighbors could hear me when i cry in the shower. i thought this was kind of funny.
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sleep is an illusion, but my dreams are so sweet. they come and go. like those pills we love. i pop 1, 3, 5, the list of pharmaceuticals keeps going up and and up. like an elevator ride. like a game im playing. can you collect them all? can you transcend numbness? can you walk off your roof?