writing:
i think in contrasts:
Over
————
Under
Who’s winning?
Who's losing?
Connect to disconnect
Disconnect to connect?
It’s yours it’s yours it’s yours
It’s not mine any more
The promise of routine
The freedom of routine
The breaking of routine
what i ought to do
what i want to do
Do you think of me when you come
Do you think of me when you cry
-----the ick as intuitive guidance:
a guy i dated once told me writing poems was a red flag. as if never having a relationship in his 35 years wasn't?
the ick is a physical phenomenon that is created in response while dating someone, often in the early stages. a full physical and mental barrier is released as a reflex to something that was said or an action that was taken by your significant other - a gag reflex of sorts.
sometimes it's: wearing flip flops, wearing skinny jeans, having a messy home, using too much teeth when kissing, being late to dates ( a personal favorite), saying thank you after kissing (???).
these can be extremely flippant to major red flags, the range knows no bounds. I've tried dating through the ick, telling myself it's unreasonable to not like someone because of x, y, z. but every time i try to stick it out, they fall flat in the most monotonous fashion.
what if the ick, instead of being defined as this seemingly surface level feeling is actually a physical response of our internal intuition? there are layers underneath these different scenarios that actually relay deeper signals of a person's morals, values and belief systems at play. so many subtle signals and data collection happens in the beginning stages of getting to know someone, can we redefine this term as a protection mechanism to sort out the people that are meant for you and those that are not? because people can portray whatever they want in those early stages and get away with being something else entirely early on.
rather than a flippant feeling, accepting this as an internal knowing, an intuitive hit that reveals whether this person is meant to be in your life or not is really spiritual practice of sorts.
music:iWannatotal freedom, cowgirl clueforever chemicals - ambient albumblackout
books:detransition, baby by far the most queer book i've ever readpretend your dead and i carry you a story following a father and daughter as they navigate their queerness in bogata during the 90s. its riveting, it's full of spanglish and stunningly visual autostraddle third edition
xxizzy